Search.

As time goes by, we forget about the things that made us break things up in the first place and we only remember the details that made us hold on and fight for what we wanted.

We were happy, back when things weren’t so complicated. When together meant just being together, no outer factors or responsibilities that broadened the bridge between our convictions.

Things ended, and we were satisfied. Until I wasn’t. Not anymore.

I know I miss being with you; the sound of your laughter, the wit behind your jokes and knowing that you were always with me, by my side.

Now that I don’t have you, and that maybe I never will again, my head is a maze of confusing images of the past merged with hopes for the future. It is difficult to set apart the things I now want with the things I wanted, and when the only factor that unites both scenarios is you, then my bases are even less established than what I originally thought.

What I think I want and what I feel I need are two different things. Completely vital in their own way, but incompatible with one another. Like water and oil, they are immiscible. I need both of them to survive, because one fuels my present and the other kindles the possibility of my future.

There is no way to sacrifice any of these emotions, but if they cannot exist within me, as I want them to, then they need to transform into something short of a contradiction.

If you cannot be my lighthouse then I should find another source of light. Someone that can exist in all of my dimensions with the same intensity and enough vehemence to make me feel something again.

Someone that will be emotionally available for me, without the confusion of past indiscretions and unuttered words. A person that will share their strength with me, and that will hear me even if I don’t know how to be heard.  A person that knows me for who I am and what I need, not what I portray.

No one wants to be unhappy. Sometimes people just choose the long road to happiness. And sometimes, they have no other choice.

All of us have to live with the aftermath of our decisions. The good things and the bad. The things that heal us and the things that hurt us. Sometimes they are one and the same; our destruction and our salvation, together, tormenting us.

I wish I could understand the emotional connection between my head and my heart. I wish I could understand the world a little better, too. That way, I could make my decisions based on the things that will be better for me in the long run, not just what makes me feel less pain today.

I cannot understand love, nor do I think I ever want to. It keeps me on my toes, always changing, always in different shapes and sizes.

Love should not be spoken. Sure, it sounds beautiful and it strokes one’s ego. But that is not how it should be expressed. It should be experienced through actions and situations that show the other person how important he or she is to you.

It should be felt and not heard. Sometimes it is necessary to say it out loud, but that is only because you probably are not showing them how much you care.

Sadly, that is not the reality of things. We are all insecure, even if we cannot accept it to ourselves. We need the comforting confirmation of words to match what another person makes us feel, otherwise we refuse to understand or accept its veracity.

We dance around games of lost stares and overcharged glances of lust. Games of words, burning touches and riddles of confusing scenarios. We made a game out of love, without no instructions to follow, and we blame the emotion itself for the pain it causes. It’s ironic, really.

Nothing that comes easily will be easy to retain.

Something that will last for ages will never be handed to us in a silver platter. Not if we are to be happy because of it, anyways. The secret behind a successful relationship is sacrifice. The more you give to the other person, the more the other person is supposed to value you. And vice versa.

If you change the aim of the game into that of the construction of thicker pillars for the foundation of your future as a couple, then you have nothing to be afraid of. Give love, time and respect. Be there for the other person any way you can. Make yourself indispensable and the promises that bind you will be made of cool, unbreakable, steel.

You might find that what you’re looking for it’s been right under your nose the whole time. Something unexpected and dramatically different from the things you are used to; but that will probably work out because of it.

You will find that person, and there will be no doubt in your mind about them. Not because they’re extremely attractive or hugely successful, but because they understand you as no one else ever has and probably never will.

Sacrifice and comprehension, that is the key to happiness.

Forget about the things that have failed you in the past. They might feel extremely good, but they haven’t worked out for a reason.

Give love a chance. Love in its original form. A primal love that has not known Shakespeare, Twilight or Hallmark. But companionship and comprehension in its purest form. At the end of the day, that is what every human on the planet needs.

You already know the people that know you best. Make a compilation of the traits that characterize the people that you love and first understand what is it that they give you. Why are they so important? You need to find someone that will give you what all of them give you, all in a nutshell.

It might sound like an impossible task, but it is not. And it is worth it.

You’ve had beautiful experiences from your past, and maybe your present. Invest time and patience into finding or accepting that person that you’ve always been looking for, but that you’ve been too blind to really see.

In order to understand someone else, why they do or feel the things they do, you need to understand yourself and put yourself into the situation of that person. You cannot judge what you don’t truly understand, because if you don’t even really understand yourself, then how will you judge your own actions and desires?

Give yourself a chance. Start fresh with a different perspective. Look for the things you’ve always wanted to find and never had the clarity to search for them beforehand. Find your future, and forget your past. Once and for all.

search /sərCH/

verb

Try to find something by looking or otherwise seeking carefully and thoroughly.

Blame.

A broken heart is the product of different destructive forces that act on it at the same time. It certainly isn’t a blameless victim; it blindly played its part in its own destruction.

Your heart is as vulnerable as you want it to be. It is the epitome of your desires and experiences; the embodiment of what your emotional persona represents. It is also a memory log of every thing that you’ve felt in your lifetime.

It is a warning of sorts.

But when it gets broken once, it is almost impossible to mend it back to its actual form. It will no longer work with its original accuracy; it might eclipse the truth of your naïveté and even make you see things that are not real.

There are situations in life that are direly complex; they are like a vindictive thunderstorm, inevitable and powerful, decided to wreck havoc among a vulnerable heart. They lash against it, rendering it blind and defenseless, battering at it with all their might.

After they’re done, they retreat and leave the fading soul to heal by itself. If the heart does not learn from its mistakes and it keeps on letting that thunderstorm breach its defenses, then the cycle will never break.

This bullying of the heart has been happening for a long time, it’s been dealt by emotions that it cannot control and that are fed by the source of its own infatuation: whether it be ignorance, indifference or plain cruelty.

He created scenes in his head. He took what his reality told him would happen, based on his own perception of the world and his dreams to make them happen. He chose the life he’s living, but that does not mean that he deserves the fate that’s been handed to him.

Every story can be told differently, depending on the perspective of the character that’s recounting it. But they all start at the same beginning, and the ending is always the same, whether it ends in a positive or negative note, it will always be a note nonetheless.

The perception of the characters is what alters the reality that’s being related; and when the story touches the vulnerability of the human heart, neutrality is always out of the question.

The life of a person is lived through cycles that either remain open or are forever closed. A heart might get broken under the same circumstances over and over again, because the process of healing begins only when you are convinced that it’s time to move on and leave the pain behind.

When you are aware that what you desire and what is real are two completely different things that seldom intertwine to create a happy ending, then you will understand that love is not a game of cat-and-mouse. It is not for your personal amusement or a tool to enhance your feelings of self-security.

Love is a web of actions and reactions that are knit together to create one of the most complex situations that people can get stuck in. It is never the responsibility of just one person, even if just one person can receive the entirety of its backlash.

A mirror shows the true face of things, whether you want it to or not. You can see your reflection and understand what’s happening without really knowing how to make it stop. You can’t never truly understand what is or what should be your responsibility; but for the sake of human decency, you have to find out.

You can never leave someone alone in the battlefield, and you can never unleash unnecessary cruelty for the sake of personal comfortability. A crush is lived through two ends of a scope; there is the dealing and the receiving end. Both parts are indispensable for the healthy consummation of it, and every one must play their role truthfully.

You must analyze the signs and the situations that can be grouped by the same context. When you start feeling a shift in a relationship, it is your responsibility to not only not ignore it, but try to figure out a way to make it better.

You never know in what end of the scope you’ll end in one day. Everybody wants to believe what they want to believe, not what they should believe, or what the world unclearly shows them.

There is always more than one person to blame when things go amiss, but as humans we tend to wipe our hands clean of accountability because we cannot deal with other people’s pain, even if we are the sole source of it.

If someone is in love with you and you don’t feel the same, put an end to it. Read the signs and make sure that your suspicions are irrefutable.

If you are in love with someone that doesn’t love you back, then have the courage to admit that to yourself and try to move on. Don’t pour your blame into someone else’s hands. Accept the facts, cry if you have to, and thrive.

The world is full of mismatches that go awry because people don’t plan things through. Make sure that when you find someone that will complement you entirely, their motives are as pure as yours.

You heart is not a souvenir; it is the core of everything that defines you as a person. Don’t treat it lightly, and don’t give it to someone that’s not willing to respect is as you do.

Learn from your mistakes, and if you decide to keep on making them, then you have to understand that your pain is no one’s fault but yours.

Love will only work when you are willing to sacrifice everything for someone that is worth it, and when that person is just as willing to do the same.

blame /blām/

verb

to assign responsibility for a fault or wrong.

Crush.

She was stuck in an abyss of uncertainty, blinded by her desires and her obstinate refusal to see what was right in front of her. He didn’t love her; he couldn’t, yet she failed to understand that from the very inception of her impromptu infatuation.

He was every thing she’d always envisioned in a partner. Smart without being insufferable, a very handsome face that thrived in imperfection and a smile that was slightly crooked but that could straighten every one of her sorrows when flashed.

It wasn’t a miracle that she’d met him. She set it up. She saw him once, and when opportunity stroke she took a risk, and he was soaked within her life forever. At first she just liked looking at him, studying his movements and his reactions. She liked the naïveté of some of his queries and how he compensated it with unexpected wisdom regarding things she knew nothing about.

They were meant to be.

She liked how life didn’t seem hard for him, even though she learned to read the expression in his eyes, and the pain hidden unfathomably within them.

He wasn’t perfect, not even close, yet she divinized him until she created someone unreachable. The problem with that is that it wasn’t fair for none of them. He could never live up to her expectations, and she couldn’t feel anything but disappointment when he didn’t.

At first he held a pose of terrifying confidence, and she was scared of it. She felt intimidated for the first time in her life. Every night she felt tormented by his chilling calmness and his overwhelming poker face. She knew that even though he showed no sign of inner struggles he was hiding something, something that made her want to investigate further on.

Sometimes the road you wish to take and the road you have taken merge in order to create the definite path that your life needs to take.

It all started when she fell prey into the claws of impossibility and it taught her how to nurture a sense of false hope. It also taught her how to shade the purity of her own thoughts in order to give way into an endless repetition of the same failed expectations.

The problem wasn’t falling in love, it lied in not knowing when to give up. There are answers that hold more questions and questions that hold no answers. But for her, the most frustrating situation was knowing the answer to her most important question, it was clear and definite, she just couldn’t accept it.

He would never fall in love with her.

It didn’t matter how many times she tried to rephrase the question or ask it with different words. Reality doesn’t change. She needed to accept the answer to the question she originally posed and move on.

Surrender.

In her opinion, freezing hell would’ve been easier than letting go.

She continued her research. In her mind, understanding him could hold the sole key to building some sort of resistance to disappointment; some way for her to seriously forgive his absent-minded indifference towards her.

She needed to know that he cared, because the worst part was that she cared about his not caring. That thought was like a broken record in her mind, always reminding her that there was something or someone that prevented him from opening himself up to her.

She knew that she could never compete against something that she did not understand. But that didn’t stop her from trying. She also didn’t know the difference between indifference and the lack of attention to detail; just because her brain embellished mundane scenes didn’t mean they were real.

He had a past, just like she did. It affected him differently and it showed. She’d been able to move on from her former emotional transgressions, they had taken precious time from her, and also pieces from her heart. But it didn’t matter, she had moved on from that. Barely.

He, on the other hand, couldn’t. Or at least that’s what she wanted to believe. Sure, they were a thing; he was her everything, she was his nothing. She told herself that things would eventually change, that he would notice her for once in a different light, someday. But the day never came.

It’s amazing the power a person can hold over someone else. It’s understandable. What is beyond the scope of human comprehension is how someone can give that much power to someone else.

She’d always been the one who left people behind, who left people wanting. She’d never been put in this emotional situation. That’s when she realized that the universe was trying to tell her something.

In order to forget about him, she had to atone for the things she had done before, when she was a different person, when she knew control. She had to be put in that situation in order to grasp the concept of human connection. To understand what it really means to hold a beating heart in her hands and treat it with the outmost respect.

He knew about her love, that much was clear to her, he just didn’t care. Just as she hadn’t cared with so many people beforehand.

At the end of the day, truth is always more powerful than desire. It didn’t matter if she wanted something so much that the yearning turned to pain and the pain to numbness. It didn’t matter that it felt so right. It just couldn’t happen because there were forces at play stronger than her will to make him hers.

Her crush had felt like a crash, and just like an accident, she could never see it coming. The only thing left to do was wait. Wait for the pain to stop and her brain to accept that her path lied somewhere else.

crush |krəSH|

noun

a brief but intense infatuation for someone, esp. someone unattainable or inappropriate.

Worth.

All of us are worth something. We establish that worth with our actions and how much we love ourselves. That worth can be expressed as a sort of sentimental currency. Unconsciously we decide if we’re worthy of something or if something is worthy of us.

In that way, love can be described as an emotional business transaction. And naturally, as human beings, we yearn for the things we can never afford. We permeate in the scent of the unattainable, striving to capture it and make it ours.

We inflate the price of things that should be on sale, only because we don’t recognize our own true worth.

The biggest mistake you can make is letting someone else decrease your true value in your own eyes. Because once that happens, there is no way to really understand what it is that you should expect from them. You will probably forget that you are the most amazing person on the planet.

And after that, you’ll make the most poisonous deal a person can make. You will buy unreciprocated love, based on the addiction to the comforting pain of wanting someone so unreachable.

You will believe that you don’t have the means to sustain the relationship, and you will pay the mortgage of your own painful destruction.

Reality is a bitch.

It takes away what's important to you and pays it back within an unrealistic dream. It might seem temporary, that feeling of visceral yearning for the things you can never have, but if you don’t put a stop to it, if you really fall in love, then there will be no turning back.

Differentiate between being infatuated and being in love. Infatuation ages fast. Love transforms and keeps on breathing, adopting different faces, always present. Always hurting.

Dream. Reality isn't worth shit.

Don’t break your heart, exercise it. Try loving new people and forget about the consequences. Don’t analyze their actions or lack thereof. Discover your worth and build a shell of empowerment so strong and thick that no one will be able to trespass it again.

Make mistakes. Learn from them. Make them again. Keep on learning.

If you believe that something can never be yours, then it will never be. Don’t underestimate your power to transcend your own self-appointed limitations, jump over and through them, push them further up or simply destroy them.

Listen to your gut and not to the negative voices of the people that don’t truly understand you as only yourself can.

It doesn’t matter if at the end of the day you’re left ecstatic or hurting like never before. The real thing that matters is that you’re feeling, anything, something. You’re alive.

Feelings. They're so fucking annoying. But they are also what keep us in our toes, they give us that senseless rush to pursue the thing that thrill us and scare us to keeping them bottled up.

Understand yourself and your goals. Change the things that aren’t allowing you to pursue them. Believe in those changes and feel them in every cell in your body, shifting you, transforming you into the person you were always meant to become.

Look for closure or transformation. Never stay still, even if your heart desperately wants to. Nothing good will come out of a state of doubt and second-guessing. Move in or move out on your target, just stop staring at it as if it isn’t something you can never reach.

Inspire yourself with the promises of different possibilities, breathe in the complexity of a complicated paradox and don’t try to solve it. Just live it and experience it as something that’s simply not for you.

The moment in which you realize that what you’ve wanted all along has nothing to do with what you needed, then the pain you felt will merge with your scale of self-worth. You will find that you are the most expensive diamond in the store.

What you need is not love. What you need is the cessation of the complex thinking and analyzing of those little things that matter. They matter because they make you feel good.

Details. Don’t look for them, and don’t expect them to arrive anytime soon. Create them. If you put something out into the world, it will come back to you sooner or later. Make sure that when that something comes back, it will be bigger and more beautiful than what you originally expected.

But above everything else, never lose yourself. The world might change rapidly, the people you love might change as well, but never let those factors change you. You are the only one that should change yourself, and it should be on your own terms.

Remember that.

Trust only the people that trust you. And even then, don’t trust anyone anymore than you trust yourself. Pray for the things that should be rightfully yours, not for more.

Talk to the people you love. But first, have a chat with yourself about the things that will define you from this moment on. Look at yourself in the mirror and listen to your own voice declare that I don't love you because I want to, it's because I need to and there's no way around it.

Your worth is infinite. You only need to believe it.

worth |wərTH|

adjective [ predic. ]

equivalent in value to the sum or item specified.

Perspective.

There are things that are so firmly planted inside of us that there is no way to rip them out. They hook themselves to the core of our hearts, and they refuse to leave.

Or maybe you just don’t really want them to.

And that is acceptable.

They’re like inoperable tumors. We know they’re there, and we can see them hurting us, there’s just no way to take them out. What we can do, what we should do, is offer an alternate treatment.

There are things that break us, even though we believe those same things are the only things that can heal us. We cling desperately to the idea that people could have several meanings without losing their essence. Some of them can, but there are others that will never make sense because the meaning we have chosen for them differs vastly from the ones they have chosen for themselves.

If we cannot control ourselves, then how can we control someone else?

It is impossible.

Even if you really believe it can be done.

If there is something that you just can’t seem to get rid of, then use it to your advantage. Exploit that energy and transform it into something positive. Not being able to let go of something or someone does not mean that it will never stop hurting. You can use that raw emotion and find something to invest it in.

If the source of what is consuming you is what also fuels you, then focus your attention into something else. An alternative.

Change your perspective about it.

What you want might never be yours, but you can change the way you look at things and find out that it might even be something good. You might learn from those mistakes and you will perhaps be able to take charge of what life has violently thrown in your way.

Don’t look at your misfortune as a tidal wave produced by fate, accept it as your reality and change your attitude towards it. Just because something does not go your way it does not mean that there aren’t other ways to find happiness.

Everything changes in the blink of an eye.

You have the power to change the meaning of something that has been carved within your heart for the longest time. You do not have to change the situation, because it is almost impossible, but you can change what it means and how it affects you.

If you do not change those facts, if you let yourself be overrun by those beautiful feelings, they might quickly change into a black hole that might suck your last ounce of hope.

You need to wake up.

Sometimes you see something and find it ugly... until you look at it from another perspective and it all changes.

Pain is important. It teaches us things. But it is so easy to misunderstand. The importance of pain does not lie in what originally caused it, but in how and why we let it hurt us in the first place. It does not matter if it was intentional or not, if it was dealt with evil intentions or just an accident.

IT DOESN’T MATTER.

The only thing that does is how you’re going to make it stop. If you cannot take the dagger out, then find a way to lessen its sharpness. Read yourself and understand why you are allowing it to keep on hurting you.

Be strong.

Don’t hold on.

At the end of the day things will happen whether you want them to or not. Shit happens. You fall in love, you fall out of love, and generally you’re the last one to be informed.

You might be suffocated by those things that are imprinted into your soul. Don’t try to stop thinking about them, just look at them in a different light. You might be surprised with how your body might react.

Love might not seem like love if you add some constants and change some variables. If you lessen the sharpness of the knife, then you are the one that’s going to be in control. Not the knife, and certainly not the person who put it in your chest.

Take control of your emotions, and teach them how to sway. Teach your eyes how to really look through the mist of your heart's desires and control the scope of what they see.

People say that defense is the best offense. But maybe the best offense is changing the game altogether. There are several dimensions to your truth, stop being blinded by the first and start breathing in and experiencing the others.

Perspective. That's all that mattered from the beginning, and it is what will give you your freedom.

It ain't cheap, but it is definitely worth its painful price.

You might never be able to fool yourself, but you can certainly fool someone else.

perspective |pərˈspektiv|

noun

a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.

Catalyst.

Sometimes the world stops. It’s a rare sight, the world stopping around you, as the air gets thinner and some impossibilities want to become clearer; when the past and the future merge, and yet you are nowhere to be found.

It’s so easy to get lost when you don’t really want to be found, when you forget that what got you astray was your inability to mature in the first place.

In order to let go, first you need to grow up.

When you get to that point in your life, it doesn’t matter if the answers are written in the biggest and boldest font the universe can find to make you understand the reality of things; if we don’t want to accept those facts, then there is nothing that can pull us from that static world.

The most lethal weapon of self-destruction is doubting yourself and blaming something or someone else for your own mistakes. It blows parts of you away, completely vaporizing them and you don’t really understand what is going on.

It then becomes clear. You believe you are a problem. Nothing you do is ever enough or at least somewhat right. You are constantly disappointing yourself because you cannot be or you cannot have what you always envisioned for yourself.

You couldn’t be more wrong.

You are not a problem that needs fixing; you are a solution that hasn’t been found.

And nothing that is lost ever finds itself. Or so I used to think.

You thought that the world stopping around you was a bad thing, a way in which the universe was telling you that it was all over. But it is not. It’s an opportunity to really look around you and study your surroundings. To decide what it is that you should leave behind. The things that hurt the most.

But what if you realize that you’ve been the one hurting yourself? You just didn’t or couldn’t accept it. You have been your own worst enemy.

Then that person is the one that has to be left behind.

No one else is responsible for what we feel or how we act. We are the owners and sole creators of our own feelings. Yes, there are catalysts out there that speed up the creation of those feelings. Some of them are stronger than others, and they might be harder to push off the road, just as they can be harder to keep with you, by your side.

Never let pride get in the way of something that makes you smile.

At the end of the day, the past is just the past. It has given way to the place you are right now, but it has no business interfering with your desires or your reasons to look for something fresh.

Something that allows you to remain yourself at all costs. Even better, something that allows you to push those catalysts out of your way and give yourself a little breathing room in order to grow up and make the decisions you were born to make.

Don’t let anyone change your most inner convictions and truths about yourself; don’t let them take parts of you that you will never get back. Don’t give them that power.

You are lost only because you allow yourself to be. You’ve been polluted by those catalysts and the production of your emotions has been compromised by them. They’ve taken control of that private part of you and they’ve altered the foundations of what you thought was actually real for you.

The only way to beat that catalyst is to overcome your pride and fear while allowing yourself to grow up and breathe in the maturity of selfless convictions. Don’t listen to what your emotions are trying to make you think, listen to what your brain tells you is the cold hard truth.

Not everything is for everyone and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you’ll get rid of those things that haunt your brain at night and paralyze your desire to take risks.

Dare yourself to challenge what makes you feel good and try to embrace what will make you feel sane in the long run. Sacrifice your heart’s desires and start focusing in a way to start the world spinning again. Vanquish those impure catalysts from your mind and find some new ones that have honest intentions.

The funny thing is, a catalyst might alter your entire foundations, but it will never change itself. There is nothing you can do to modify it, because it is in their nature to remain unchangeable. So you have to stop trying.

Nothing is final, not even death… and certainly not your place in the world. There are times in which it might not seem like things are going your way, in which your emotions rattle your sense of security and when you feel like another person inside your body.

We have to understand that we are being pushed out of our own head by those catalysts, and they are either situations or even people that might not be evil-natured, but that they don’t really have your best interest at heart.

Stop doubting your own essence and analyze your emotions carefully. You might even be surprised with what your body has been hiding from you. Maybe you’re not the one that is lost; maybe it’s just your will to be your better self that is afraid to be found.

Break out of that storm of doubt and get the world moving again.

Find yourself.

catalyst |ˈkatl-ist|

noun

a substance that increases the rate of a chemical reaction without itself undergoing any permanent chemical change.